Conventional Joke List

Here’s a list of some of the top-ranked conventional jokes out there. Leave a reply below if you want to add any of your own to the list.

S: A seal walks into a club…
P: (pause)

‘I went down the local supermarket,
I said, “I want to make a complaint,
this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said,
“Those are pickled onions”. ‘

I’m in great mood tonight
because the other day I entered a competition
and I won a years supply of Marmite………
one jar.

‘A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.
The barman says,
“Is this some kind of joke?” ‘

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We’ll see about that.”

‘When Susan’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said:
“I love the simple things in life,
but I don’t want one of them for my husband”. ‘

‘There’s two fish in a tank,
and one says to the other
“How do you drive this thing?” ‘

‘A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’
The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’.
Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum.
Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds,
“But they are twins.
If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.” ‘

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well,
I was amazed,
I never knew they worked.

‘A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
“Pint please, and one for the road.”

I’m on a whiskey diet.
I’ve lost three days already.

Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’.
He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’.
‘Is it common?’I asked.
‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.

Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married.
The ceremony was rubbish –
but the reception was brilliant.

Police arrested two kids yesterday,
one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one –
and let the other one off.

‘I said to the Gym instructor
“Can you teach me to do the splits?”
He said, “How flexible are you?”
I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays”‘

‘A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair,
so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.
She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband,
“Shut up…you’re next!” ‘.

‘Dyslexic man walks into a

‘I went to the zoo the other day,
there was only one dog in it,
it was a shitzu.’

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says:
‘Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!’
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: ‘The driver just insulted me!’
The man says: ‘You go up there and tell him off.
Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.’


…and, of course, the king of jokes, Bob Hope…